Monday April 19, 2010 3:40am.

My phone rings and I struggle to find it.  Even on "vibrate" mode, it still makes a distinct noise.  I squint through the darkness in my sisters room and check the time on her iHome, and know at this hour... it cannot be good news.  But news that I cannot miss.

Dancing on the line of being drunk and slipping into my hangover, I slide to answer my call and mumble out the best "Hello" I can so my mother won't know I'd been drinking.

"Tin, I have bad news for you."
"What is it?"
"Very, very bad news for you."
....and with all the things going on in my family, what I heard was not what I was expecting.
"Nanay Ermie is gone."
"WHAT?!" ...I startle my sister out of her drunken sleep.
"Wha.. what's going on?" she says in her sleepslur.
"What do you mean?!"
"She's gone... She fell off the bed and she's gone.'

I barely remember what happened after that.  The conversation is a blur until I hung up the phone... Realizing I was in yesterday's barbeque clothes... I get up off of my sisters bed and silently Thank God that I was visiting her for the weekend.  If I were alone in my apartment in San Diego, I might have lost my mind.  Literally misplaced it in all the feelings that invaded my heart, mind and soul.

I cried.  I remembered.  I cried.  Then I remembered.

Everyone says how much their grandmothers mean to them.  But mine really meant the world to me.  She was my mothers best friends mother.  Up until yesterday I used to say "she's not my real grandma, she's my moms best friends mom"  but I realized... she is my real grandmother.

She lived with me for 20 years.  She and I shared my twin bed until the age of.. 14.  For most of my childhood, she was the first person I woke up to in the morning and that last person I saw before I fell asleep.  I was practically her shadow.  I went nowhere without her and did nothing without her.

After extending my stay in Northern California and staying at my moms house, it has not yet been a full 48 hours.  When I can steal away time from friends and family is when I feel the tears well up.

I've been asked to begin preparing a Eulogy and thought this might be a good start.

This is something I cannot see myself getting through.  I wish my husband were here with my, but I am thankful they are at least letting him take leave and come home for a few days.

sigh