kaibigan.

i've always been the kind of person who lived with the mentality that i was fine with who i had in my life; i had the best of friends and just the right amount of haters to assure me that i was doing something right with my life.

then time went by and life moved on. you lose touch, your phone rings less and texting took over the world. then before you knew it, most of your relationships were deduced to myspace comments and the only way you knew what your "friends" were up to was thru their myspace erh-- facebook photos.

twitter is cool, but then you become limited to sharing your life 140 characters at a time with people that you care about. and you know damn well that life means more than a run-on sentence, filled with abbreviations so words fucking fit.

by the time you realize that you've lost all personal connection to people you shared your life with the fact that you probably aren't even "good" friends anymore manifests itself. because how many times did you look on their page and you weren't in their pictures? or... are you tagged in any of their photos? when was the last time you commented on their page saying more than, "i miss you." ?

yea, for some people, the social networks really are a way of keeping in touch and it works for them. for some, it's just for fun and they have their personal relationships down on lock. i'm just saying, they play a bigger role in most peoples lives than they are willing to admit.

who you communicate with thru these portals leaves a trail. and i took a step back to analyze my shit.

i could see past my transparent "i miss you's" and small talk bullshit. not that i don't miss people, i just feel like that robot in me is saying it back. i feel like the gesture should be more grand than thinking the emotion and letting my fingers type it.

so i started to analyze my life. i've been living in san diego for about two months now. growing up and moving away makes you understand why you were never close to some people and why some of your relationships fell off. it also reveals the strength in relationships you never knew was there and leaves room for friendships to grow.

i say "growing up" because there are a couple of friendships that you just let go because you let it be for so long.

i never saw myself as a very friendly person. my husband even said he thought i looked and was mean when he first met me over three years ago. but i've learned to let things go, and just take things the way they are. because i have a few friends now that i never thought i'd have in a million years.

regardless of the circumstance and the past, i'm working on the relationships where i can see effort reciprocated. cuz even if i'm not so friendly, i am an awesome friend. i tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, because the past doesn't make you who you are in the present or who you will be in the future.

just don't take my kindness for weakness. because as far as negative connotations about me go, i think it's a good thing when people say not to fuck with me.